Mistake

I made the mistake to ask. I made the mistake to try and understand. I made the mistake to solve and resolve. Mistakes...mistakes...mistakes. It's just and endless trail full of mistakes. Only this time I don't know what it is that I did wrong. Am I too much of a burden? Does my existence make it that difficult for you? I was a mistake...

It doesn't bother me that you always disappoint me. It doesn't bother me to have to wait. It doesn't bother me you put me last on the list. It doesn't even bother me anymore that you constantly ignore me. It doesn't even bother me that you make me cry every single day. But what's difficult is for me to have to pretend I'm happy and perfectly fine in front of everyone when in fact I'm falling apart inside. I'm not that strong. What did I do that was just so wrong?

V-day 2010

Another lonely day, and another disappointment to add to what seems like a never ending list. When will it stop? Even if I think this is worth all my time, effort, and tears, enough is enough. A person's patience also has its' limits too.

I can't tell whether I'm crying because of habit, or I'm crying because I'm upset with myself for being so stupid, or if it's because I'm angry at you for not caring. Maybe it's all three with many other reasons, but it's tiring.

Friends...I hate being friends.

1% possibility

There have been times I've been angry and upset, but whenever that happens I would ask myself, "What exactly am I angry about? Who am I upset with? Should I even be mad?" I've already told myself to not have any expectations and just be happy with the current situation. I know I'm not the prettiest, brightest, the most friendliest, talented, understanding, or the most fun and enjoyable girl to be around, but I'm only human and I have a lot of flaws. I realize I tend to nag a lot and always force you to do things you may not like, but that's just my way of showing how much I care. I'm slowly learning to adapt and change. I'm learning how to let go and give you space when necessary. I'm trying my best to be more patient and not be so selfish, but it's tiring because in the end, a platonic friendship is not what I want. Honestly at times I question if I can even consider myself as your friend.

Someone asked me on a date. Under regular circumstances I should be excited, but I'm not because as nice as that person may be, he's not you. Whenever my phone rings, or whenever I see a message, I hope it's your name I see on the screen, but instead it's someone else. I should probably refuse the date, but a part of me wants to know how you would react knowing that someone else out there is showing interests in me. You probably won't care, but I like to think you might even if it's just a little bit. I feel like a terrible person right now using that other person to see your reaction, or more like a chance, a hope that you would care. I'm stupid aren't I? Rather than accepting or trying something new, I instead continue to walk towards a dead end. I know nothing I do or say will change your mind, so why do I keep trying and hurt myself like this? It's because I believe nothing is absolute, and there still may be a 1% possibility. Also I had made that promise that I would not be the first to walk away. I will always be here and will not walk away until you find that person who truly makes you happy. Even though I hope that person can and will be me, but regardless of what happens in the future I only want the best for you.

"有時候喜歡一個人不一定要把他留在身邊. 有時候讓對方離開如果這個樣子他才可以找到屬於自己的幸福那也是一種愛."