"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." Thomas Fuller

I believe this. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. No matter how hard I have tried to walk away, no matter how hard I have tried to let go, I still end up in the same spot where I had started. My heart incessantly cries out for your return, for your acknowledgment, but why is it that I am becoming more and more frighten? What is it that I fear? I'm afraid of our encounter, the one I have been yearning for, the one I pray for each night. I can already sense the awkwardness, and the emptiness. If that is what I have to face, I rather not have it happen.

How many times did we bring this up? How many times did you ask me "should we not hang out/see each other anymore", "should we not be friends"? And how many times did we go against our words? I still sit here in disbelief. I want you to ask me those questions again. I want us to still have those disagreements, those silent moments where we just blankly stare at each other pondering what it is we should do.

I want your comfort and your support. I want to feel and see the tenderness and warmth from your eyes. I want to hear you say everything is going to be okay. I want you to continue to be the sun that brightens up my gloomy days.

I hate knowing all those promises we once made will never come true.

If you don't want to see me, just say it. If you hate me, just say it. If you want me to just disappear, just say it. Say whatever it is you have to say to me, but stop ignoring me! Stop leaving me dangling like this. Just stop everything please.

My heart is closing in, and my tears continue to fall. Why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember, and the more I remember, the more it hurts. If you were to ask me to forget, I'm unable to do that, and if you ask me to let go, I don't want to.

I am exhausted. I too am worn out. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second I hope and wish that you will just once look at me, and listen to what I have to say. I still have so much I want to say to you, so please just look at me and stop ignoring me. Even though I know it's the end, and even though it scares me, just one last time. I've lost everything.

In the game of love, they say there's always a winner and a loser. If that's the case then let me forever live in my fantasy world. Because in that world, I'll always be the winner. Everything will always turn out exactly how I imagine it will be. There will be no tears and sorrows; only joy and laughter. It's a silly idea I know, but when everything in the real world is nothing but a giant pot filled with disappointment, my imagination is all I have to comfort me. I don't have you by my side right now, I can't see or reach out to you, but in my fantasy, you're sitting next to me, smiling and looking at me with those loving eyes.

I'm slowly starting to forget the way you look, the way you smell, the way you laugh, the way you talk...

Do you still think of me or has she taken over your heart? I don't want to know, I refuse to accept it...

It's getting harder to breathe. Everything is just getting harder and harder.

Unwanted, excluded, and invisible. That is who I have become, and that is the position that I have taken up in your eyes. We live this life trying our best to be someone, trying our best to not become invisible, to not be forgotten, and to not be ignored. But sometimes when we least expect it, we are left behind without recognition, and without acknowledgment of the importance of our existence. It's scary. I don't want to become a distant memory for you. I don't want to become a part of that memory you want to erase. I'm still here, I'm still waiting...

吻别 - 张学友
Kiss Goodbye - Jacky Cheung

前尘往事成云烟消散在彼此眼前
The dusty past has become a cloud of smoke dissipating before our eyes.

就连说过了再见也看不见你有些哀怨
Even though we've said our goodbyes, I cannot see any of your sadness.

给我的一切你不过是在敷衍
Everything that you have given me was merely a routine

你笑的越无邪我就会爱你爱得更狂野
The more innocent your smile is, the more wildly I will love you.

总在刹那间有一些了解
It's always in an instance that I finally understand

说过的话不可能曾实现
The words that you have spoken will never come true.

就在一转眼发现你的脸 已经陌生不曾再像从前
It is also in a blink of an eye that I realize your face has already become unfamiliar unlike before.

我的世界开始下雪
It has begun to snow in my world

冷得让我无法多爱一天
It's so cold that I cannot love another day.

冷得连隐藏的遗憾都那么地明显
It's so cold that even the regrets I'm trying to suppress seems to be so obvious.

我和你吻别在无人的街
We kiss each other goodbye on that empty street

让风痴笑我不能拒绝
Allowing the wind to laugh at me, yet I cannot refuse it.

我和你吻别在狂乱的夜
We kiss each other in that frantic night

我的心等着迎接伤悲
My heart awaits and welcomes sadness.

想要给你的思念就像风筝断了线
The memories that I want to give you is like a kite with a broken string.

飞不进你的世界也温暖不了你的视线
I cannot fly into your world, I cannot warm up that gaze of yours.

我已经看见一出悲剧正上演
I can already see the tragic story that is about to begin.

剧终没有喜悦我仍然躲在你的梦里面
There is no happy ending, I'm still hidden in your dreams.

day 5

Perhaps this virus is getting to me, or maybe it's just an excuse, but there's a lot of emptiness and confusion right now. I'm all alone, all by myself. There's just me and four walls.

The days are getting shorter, and nights are becoming longer. It's cold outside, and so am I. I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being invisible. You hate me...I know...

Stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop worrying. Stop wanting. Stop wishing. Stop hoping. It's over now...

day 4

Today I discovered a new song (new to me that is), A-mei "原来你什么都不要". It's not the promises, not the 'forever', not the comfort, not the caring, not anything, I just want you to stay by my side a little longer. It's selfish, it's greedy, but that's what I want and hope for.

I have become more selfish. I have become more needy. I have become more obnoxious. I have become everything you hate. Why do I keep on doing this? Why do I keep on wanting more? Why do I keep on wanting to push you to the point where you want to escape and run from me? It's all an attempt for me to keep you a little longer, see you a little longer, and be with you a little longer.

Worthless...useless...meaningless...are those the words I should use to describe this wait of mine? They should be, however, I had long ago began my endless wait for a person and for an answer that will never come.

day 3...continue...

People always like to ask, "What's so great about this person? Why do you like him/her?" when they see you acting all smitten about a certain someone. It's not an easy question to answer. And for most of us, we tend to use those generic responses like, I like their eyes, they're cute, they have a good sense of humor, they're laid back, etc. as our answers. So what is it about you that I like? What is it about you that keeps me wanting to hold on and not let go? What are the reasons? I like everything. Both the good and the bad, the big, the small, the ugly, the pretty, the old, the new, the round and the square...simply everything. The smiles, the flusters, the racing heart, those are the reasons why I hold on. Those may not seem like substantial reasons to keep oneself from not letting go, but they are reasons nonetheless. Even right now with this nasty flu, being in a confused state, knowing you're angry with me and avoiding me at all cause, just the thought of you still brings a smile to my face.

Love makes us stupid. It makes us do stupid things, and say stupid things. It can sometimes break our hearts. It can sometimes make us cry, cause us to have restless nights, and it can complicate even the most simplest things, so why do we still fall in love? Why do we keep on putting ourselves in that vulnerable position? Why do we like to torture ourselves like that? I like being stupid, especially if it's being stupid because of you.

Perhaps when it comes to relationships, I'm too much of an idealistic and I forget about its hardships and difficulties. But then again if we start things only to think of all the bad that can come or will come out of it, what's the point of even starting? Everyone keeps on telling me it's not worth it. It's not worth all these heartaches and tears. Perhaps they are right, but then again how do they know? Only I can determine and choose whether or not something or someone is right for me. I am stubborn I know this, but who else knows and understands my needs more than me? We take chances, and sometimes it doesn't turn out the way we want it to be, but even with those mistakes, at least we know we had tried and gave it our best rather than just sitting around pondering those 'what if' questions.


I’ll let him go,
I won’t let him go,
I have to let him go,
I can’t let him go,
I can let him go,
I don’t…want to let him go.

It's simply a matter of choice. My choice is to hold on and continue trying. It may not seem like the greatest idea, but it's one that I'm willing to take my chances with.

Day 2 & 3

My head is spinning, my temperature is rising, and my body is about to fall apart. I breathe out hot air, my nose is runny, and I can barely swallow the tons of liquid I'm suppose to be drinking. As I lay here underneath my mountain of five blankets, rather than getting the rest I need, I continue to toss and turn trying very hard not think of the sorrow that still lingers within.

One of the worse human characteristic is jealousy. Why do we have it? In fact, why do we need it? It usually does nothing but brings out the worse in people. Countless wars were started because of jealousy and greed. However, I too have become a victim of this trait. It's silly of us to think we can run away from certain things in life, but the reality of it is there are just some things we cannot avoid no matter how hard we try. I say I don't mind, I say I don't care, but when confronted I cannot help but tear. I hate seeing you with another girl, regardless of who she may be. For in my mind, she is a competitor, and she may be the one to take you away from me.


爱到底，伤倒底，还不分离
爱上对手尝尽委屈
我怎会死心塌地

Day 1

It's only been one day, and yet the thought of knowing that from now on I will never be able to hear your voice again saddens me. Although the images of your face are still vivid in my head, but I fear that it will soon fade away. Never again will I get a chance to hear that "hey you" when you pick up my calls. I will never again be able to sit next to to you to share the joys and laughter of each others' company. There are still so many things I want to say to you and share with you, but I no longer have that chance to do so. I keep on asking what was it that I had done wrong? The answers are clear because if I had done anything right, I would not be sitting here asking for your forgiveness. I didn't do anything for you. I was never good to you. I regret the things I had done. I regret for having put you through so much trouble and torment. If there was another chance I would go back and change everything. I lost my friend...

I sit alone and quiver at the silence and emptiness that fills the hole that was once the home to my heart - the heart that was given to you long ago, and the one thing I have no regrets doing. The world will keep spinning, and everyone will continue to go on with their lives. No one will take the time to stop and ask me why am I just standing still. I know I have to move on and let go, but there are certain things that are much easier said than done. Change is hard, it's even harder when it comes and hits you without any signs or warnings. I must now learn how to let go and familiarize myself back into that time and space where you and I were nothing more than just two strangers living their own separate lives. It's a scary thought, but I know it's the only choice.