累

我想見可見不到， 想放也放不下， 想忘也忘不了。 我好累。

Erase

Why does it still hurt so much? Why do the tears still fall? How do I forget? Someone teach me how. Erase everything, someone erase everything for me.

Empty

What's left is nothing but an empty shell...

the end

And what seemed to be a never ending battle has finally come to an end, but sadly there are no winners. I did you wrong. I crossed the line and pushed you over the edge. I forced you to play the bad guy, and I am sorry. I know right now you may not understand my motives and why I was so forceful, but in due time, I know you will, and perhaps then you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

I lost not only a friend, but the one I truly love. I walk and wander as a whole, but my heart is a shattered mess with an empty soul trying to pick up those broken pieces. The road will be long and winding, and I don't know how I will continue down this path alone, but I must start learning. I will move on, but I cannot let go.



Baek Ji Young - I Won't Love

Yes, I was going to do that
I was going to go back
Your coldness did have a reason

It's only after the warmth of your touch had disappeared
that I realized your heart has left me.

Surely because of this affection I have for you,
I tried to console myself
Now I am more pitiful for doing this to myself
Now I will really erase you
All the memories too

Now, I have become just like you
As I say I won't love
Because I can't meet another person like you,
I can't love again
Like a fool, I won't love
And you who is saying that, is the one I love
I hope you forget me, please erase me

Foolishly I didn't see you had someone else
I was greedy for trying to remember you

Even though I promised myself,
I open my eyes every morning
and pray for you who passed by
for you not to forget me

Please, the one thing I am hoping for right now
Is for you not to speak about me so easily
Perhaps it's better to say that you don't know me
As time passes, you will know about the value of my love

Without me, don't love another who isn't me
If we can meet again
If we can love again
It'll hurt but I love you
I will watch over you and I love you
Because I couldn't say these words...

Sad. That's about all I'm feeling.

Three simple words

What part of letting a person express their feelings and allowing them to grieve do people not understand? I understand it can be frustrating to watch me act/look depressed, but think about how much harder it is for me? You ask why it's taking me forever to 'get over' this? You ask why can't I just let go and walk away? You ask why can't I stop being sad and cheer up? You ask why must I hold and dwell on the past? You ask why do I act this way? Honestly, I say 'you ask', the truth is none of you 'ask' me anything, you just constantly bombard me with advice I'm not seeking, and attack me with commands I don't want.

You say you're listening, but ask yourself have you truly listened to the words I have said? Have you honestly allowed me to express my thoughts? As much as many of you will say 'yes, I have' the truth is none of you have. I don't want your sympathy, and I don't need to be counseled. Give up on trying to persuade me to change my mind because lets face it, I'm stubborn and the more you force me the more I will go against your will. It's annoying I know, but take your own advice and allow time to take its course and heal the many wounds. Most importantly really try to understand that 'time' here is used very loosely because I don't know when and I don't know how long it will take, but it will eventually come. Patience is what I ask from all of you.

I'm grieving. And for all those who haven't realized this, we all will experience this not just once but many times in our lives, and we all cope with it in different ways. Hence the stages of grief is in no specific order. Just because I'm sad today does not mean I won't find a solution tomorrow, or that today I have come to accept the facts means I won't feel anger. It seems dysfunctional, but trust me, it works and there is a clear balance. Whilst all of you may think I'm not moving on and have come to a stop, truth is I am still moving, maybe just not at the same pace as you are or as quickly as I was before, but I'm still going. Lets just break this down. I am sad, and I will not deny that because it's the truth. I have no shame nor do I feel embarrassed. I also agree that the sadness is derived from one particular source, however it is not limited to just that one source alone. In fact, the sadness that I am experiencing now is more related to other factors, primarily related to the misunderstanding from my own friends.

I am stubborn. I am an idealist. I am hopeful. I believe in love and I seek for love. I know I'm still young and have years to go, but age does not define and say I can't fall in love and have my heart broken. With that said, many of you will argue and ask well who am I to know what love or true love is? Rather than asking me who I am, why not ask yourself? Love has no true definition, it's infinite, because for each individual love will be defined and customized in a way that suits their needs and beliefs. For me, I believe love comes in all form, it comes in the most unexpected way, and that you never love two people the same way. I believe that love does not discriminate nor does it favor anyone, and when it comes, you just know. I believe love can bring out the best and worse in a person. I believe love can be and is unconditional, and it never blames. I believe love makes you stronger; however, that strength may not always be manifested. I believe with love, you never forget. I also believe with love, you never have to explain why.

Even though I have stumbled into despair, I refuse to come to my senses. Even though I have been deeply hurt, I cannot forget because the memories are too precious to let go. And even after I have wiped away the tears, and come to understand the situation, it does not mean everything will be fine. I love him. With all my heart, I love him. Those three simple words are the reasons and they are also the answers to why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do.

Greatest thing

Do you remember how I always say, "I can't keep secrets from you." This fact is true. I want to share everything with you, and let you know everything because you're the one I trust and feel most comfortable with. However, there is one thing I want to be honest with you about, but am unable to tell you for I fear it'll cause me to lose you forever. I've lost the friendship once, I don't want to lose it a second time. Although I know you're aware my feelings for you have not changed, but unlike before, I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.

You're the only person I can look directly in the eye without feeling awkward or embarrassed. In fact, I love looking into your eyes each time we talk, because it makes me fall in love with you all over again. You're the only person that can make me laugh and cry at the very same time, even onions don't have that kind of ability. Although I often say and ask, "why do you always disappoint me?", and even you yourself have joked that disappointing me is your job, the truth is, you never do. Regardless of how sad I may be when you say 'no', I understand.

While talking to Edward yesterday, he made the comment, "you let go of something great," and for a split second I thought did I really let go of something great? But then your image appeared, and I smiled. You are the greatest thing that has happened to me. People may say I'm crazy and think I'm foolish for waiting like this, and putting so much effort into something that guarantees no return, but giving does not mean you must and will receive something in return. I admit I would be lying to myself and to you if I were to say I don't want anything in return, because I very much wish you would reciprocate your feelings to me, and allow me to be that person standing next to you, but if it makes you unhappy, I rather watch and care for you from a distant.


畫心
(Painted Heart)

看不穿 是你失落的魂魄
Unable to see through your wandering spirit
猜不透 是你瞳孔的顔色
Unfathomable, the color of your pupils
一陣風　一場夢　
A passing wind, a waking dream
愛如生命般莫測
Like life, love remains undefined
你的心　到底被什麽蠱惑
Your heart, what confuses it so?
你的輪廓在黑夜之中淹沒
The outline of your body disappears into the night
看桃花　開出怎樣的結果
I watch the cherry blossoms, waiting to see how they will bloom
看著你抱著我　目光比月色寂寞
I watch you embracing me, your eyes are lonelier than the moonlight
就讓你　在別人懷裏快樂
So I let you seek happiness in someone else arms
愛著你　像心跳難觸摸
Loving you, untouchable like a heartbeat
畫著你　畫不出你的骨骼
Painting you, I cannot paint your skeleton
記著你的臉色　是我等你的執著
Remembering your expression is my reason to persist in waiting for you
你是我　一首唱不完的歌
You are a song that I will never finish singing
(我的心　只願爲你而割捨)
My heart is only willing to be cut for you

Mistake

I made the mistake to ask. I made the mistake to try and understand. I made the mistake to solve and resolve. Mistakes...mistakes...mistakes. It's just and endless trail full of mistakes. Only this time I don't know what it is that I did wrong. Am I too much of a burden? Does my existence make it that difficult for you? I was a mistake...

It doesn't bother me that you always disappoint me. It doesn't bother me to have to wait. It doesn't bother me you put me last on the list. It doesn't even bother me anymore that you constantly ignore me. It doesn't even bother me that you make me cry every single day. But what's difficult is for me to have to pretend I'm happy and perfectly fine in front of everyone when in fact I'm falling apart inside. I'm not that strong. What did I do that was just so wrong?

V-day 2010

Another lonely day, and another disappointment to add to what seems like a never ending list. When will it stop? Even if I think this is worth all my time, effort, and tears, enough is enough. A person's patience also has its' limits too.

I can't tell whether I'm crying because of habit, or I'm crying because I'm upset with myself for being so stupid, or if it's because I'm angry at you for not caring. Maybe it's all three with many other reasons, but it's tiring.

Friends...I hate being friends.

1% possibility

There have been times I've been angry and upset, but whenever that happens I would ask myself, "What exactly am I angry about? Who am I upset with? Should I even be mad?" I've already told myself to not have any expectations and just be happy with the current situation. I know I'm not the prettiest, brightest, the most friendliest, talented, understanding, or the most fun and enjoyable girl to be around, but I'm only human and I have a lot of flaws. I realize I tend to nag a lot and always force you to do things you may not like, but that's just my way of showing how much I care. I'm slowly learning to adapt and change. I'm learning how to let go and give you space when necessary. I'm trying my best to be more patient and not be so selfish, but it's tiring because in the end, a platonic friendship is not what I want. Honestly at times I question if I can even consider myself as your friend.

Someone asked me on a date. Under regular circumstances I should be excited, but I'm not because as nice as that person may be, he's not you. Whenever my phone rings, or whenever I see a message, I hope it's your name I see on the screen, but instead it's someone else. I should probably refuse the date, but a part of me wants to know how you would react knowing that someone else out there is showing interests in me. You probably won't care, but I like to think you might even if it's just a little bit. I feel like a terrible person right now using that other person to see your reaction, or more like a chance, a hope that you would care. I'm stupid aren't I? Rather than accepting or trying something new, I instead continue to walk towards a dead end. I know nothing I do or say will change your mind, so why do I keep trying and hurt myself like this? It's because I believe nothing is absolute, and there still may be a 1% possibility. Also I had made that promise that I would not be the first to walk away. I will always be here and will not walk away until you find that person who truly makes you happy. Even though I hope that person can and will be me, but regardless of what happens in the future I only want the best for you.

"有時候喜歡一個人不一定要把他留在身邊. 有時候讓對方離開如果這個樣子他才可以找到屬於自己的幸福那也是一種愛."

Fool

I want to say thank you to you for helping me start the new year with so much fun and laughter. Thank you for allowing me to feel the warmth I thought had slipped long ago. Yet even with all the smiles and joy, I cannot deny the loneliness I feel deep down. I see you standing before me, but what I want is for you to stand next to me holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be all right.

Every time we meet, no matter how hard I try, I find myself falling for you all over again. Each time we part, I foolishly wait for our next encounter. I can't keep track of how many times I think of you in a day, but I wonder if I even cross your mind just once? I keep telling myself to be happy, and that this is already enough. Having you not be angry with me and still be willing enough to remain friends should be more than enough, but I want more. It's selfish of me.

Back to square one

I was on a roll, almost 2 weeks without a drop of tear, but what's happening today? Isn't it funny how you always run into people you don't need to see, yet the one you want to see no matter how hard you try, you'll never see them.

Truth is, I'm feeling very jealous right now. Although I'm glad to hear that two of my very good friends are now at that "getting to know each other/casually dating" stage, I can't help but feel a little envious. Where does that put me now? Off to the side. Seeing 'cougar' become all flustered and embarrassed whenever I ask or talk about 'boo bear' reminds me of how I use to be, or how I still am whenever I think of you or mention your name. Watching 'boo bear' care for 'cougar' and messaging her, also reminds me of how you use to take care of me and message me. I miss sitting next to you, leaning on your shoulders and just having you close to me. I miss your warm embrace, and tender kisses.

I'm so useless